"We are put on earth for a little space,
That we may learn to bear the beams of love”
(William Blake)
That quote really resonated with me when
I read it in the Preface to
Tattoos on the Heart,by Father Gregory Boyle.
Those "beams of love"have warmed me,
lifted me, ignited me,
especially in respect to my three beautiful children.
I fell in love with them
as soon as I met them,
even as I was pregnant with them.
I loved being pregnant,
and now I realize why—
I had my darlings closer to me than I could imagine.
Sometimes I yearned to hold back time
when they were babies and toddlers.
By the time my second child, Niki, was four or five,
I really knew what it was like
to watch days and years slip away
from the clutching fingers of my heart.
“While you grow up, please don’t grow away”
was my heart's mantra those days.
I can still recall with heartfelt clarity
many of those love-infused moments with them.
My 31st birthday, when Matt was a dear six months old...
I remember that sunny July day
in sweet detail even now, 75 years later.
I lifted him from his crib, his smiling face illuminating my heart.
When I was nursing Niki as a new infant,
as I looked into her newly minted eyes,
I KNEW that we were already bound to each other,
in some eternal way.
As my toddler Jeff faithfully accompanied me on all my errands,
his brother and sister now in school,
I loved having my sweet buddy by my side.
(A funny sidelight—
when Jeff was playing with his Fisher Price people (it’s an ‘80s thing),
he would play “Toilet Store”,
because I was hauling him around to Home Depot and other stores
to shop for new toilets and sinks for our bathroom renovation.
He took our research quite seriously!
I revel in the memories now
of my grandkids at those ages.
My firstborn Matt has two pictures in their home,
of his wife Laura as an infant in her mother’s arms,
and Matt at three months in mine.
Her Mom Sheila and I both share
that peaceful besotted look of young mothers in love.
I sit here today, on a snowy December morning,
warmed by these memories….grateful for that love
which woke up my soul
and busted through my heart.
I am ever grateful that I was given
these sweet, beautiful “beams of love”
to bear.
